The Power of Invitation

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Invitations shape the contours of our lives. And for almost a month now, I’ve been considering how. So, after stumbling onto the One Word Three Sixty-Five website a few days into the New Year, the word invitation seemed like the obvious choice.

In her new book,Invitations from God: Accepting God’s Offer to Rest, Weep, Forgive, Wait, Remember and More, Adele Ahlberg Calhoun says this about invitations, “They can challenge and remake us. They can erode and devastate. And they can also heal and restore us. Being wanted, welcomed, invited and included are some of the most mending experiences on the planet.”

We are either invited in or locked out of people’s lives. Whether spoken or unspoken, negative messages conveyed through a closed door, a call that never comes, or a gathering that excludes you, cause profound, soul-destroying damage. The message is loud and clear — You’re not welcome in my life. Stay away.

On the other hand, invitations from God bring healing and freedom. How we respond to these divine invitations, shapes our present and our future.

Invitations that Transform

This year, I’m sensing and embracing these holy invitations:

  1. Soul care
  2. My personal, sacred pathway
  3. Freedom from chaos and dysfunction in relationships
  4. Deep, soul-nourishing friendships with other creative contemplatives
  5. Artful, authentic writing on both a personal and professional level
  6. Spiritual direction and companionship
  7. Freedom to fail
  8. Wholeness
  9. Life’s simple joys–color, texture, conversations, beauty
  10. Emotional intimacy in marriage

What invitations will shape the contour of you life in 2012? Which should you accept? Decline?

Listening and Inner-Healing Prayer

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Recently, a friend was telling me about a challenging work situation in which her supervisor failed to address workplace bullying. The stress of a toxic work environment was taking its toll; her health was deteriorating. She spilled her pain, and I received it, weeping with her at the abuse she endured, the injustice of the situation, and the fact that her supervisor, who could have put a stop to the abuse, chose not to.

Sadly, her heart had been broken many times before. Then—as now—an authority figure had failed to protect her, which made her current situation that much more painful.

I listened—both to her and to God—and shared with her what came to mind. She sobbed uncontrollably for several seconds, and then we stopped to pray. When I saw her a few days later, I could barely believe it was the same woman. Her countenance shone, and a smile played at the corner of her lips. She said something like this, “After we prayed, I felt like a dam had been unplugged. Peace flooded my soul, and I’m hearing from God like I haven’t in years.”

She continues to move forward on her journey toward wholeness.

We cannot heal ourselves, but we can participate in the healing process by positioning ourselves for God to move in our lives. Spiritual practices like solitude, silence, retreat,  journaling, authentic community, and listening prayer are a few of the ways in which we can position ourselves for God’s healing.

What’s the next step on your healing journey? How will you participate in your healing?

Healing Prayer Experiment: Set aside a few hours of time to be alone with God. Meditate on Isaiah 61:1 and Luke 4:18. Ask God to reveal the root of the pain you carry with you. Invite His presence, truth, and healing into those areas. Listen. Write down what you hear.

Suggested Resource: Spiritual Disciplines Handbook: Practices that Transform Us by Adele Ahlberg Calhoun

 

Conversation and the Quality of Your Relationships*

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You can measure the depth of relationship by the quality of your conversations. To determine the depth of relationship you have with others, ask yourself these revealing questions.

  • Can I share my true self with others without fear of judgment or reprisal?
  • Do others know what’s going on in my interior world?
  • Do I share my failings as well as my successes with others?
  • Do I tell others the truth about my circumstances and my challenges?
  • Do I tell myself the truth?
  • When people ask me how I am, do I tell them how?

If you answered “no,” to two or more of these questions, your relationships probably need some work.

What practical steps can you take to take to improve the quality of your relationships? What conversations do you need to have and with whom?

Think about it. Pray about it. Then act on it.

*My thanks to Jerome Daley for inspiring this post with Thrivetip #77: “‘The conversation IS the relationship.’ ~Susan Scott. What you can talk about—and how—defines your quality of relationship.”

Navigating Chronic Illness & Family Relationships over the Holidays

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Navigating difficult family relationships over the holidays can be a challenge. No matter how close you and your family might be, it’s inevitable that conflict will arise. Here’s what you need to know to guard your health–and your relationships–over the holidays.

If you find spending time with your family over the holidays stressful recognize you are not alone. In his book When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People: Surviving Your Family and Keeping Your Sanity, author and psychologist Leonard Felder reveals that research indicates 68 percent of those he interviewed found family functions “frustrating or unenjoyable.”

Face the Truth

One way to prepare for the holidays is to simply face the truth.

Families are complex living organisms made up of interrelated individuals. As much as you would like to resolve family conflicts and restore relationships, you cannot do it alone. It takes two to reconcile. What’s more, it’s hard work. For that reason, many people prefer living with the illusion of getting along rather than doing the hard work of cultivating healthy relationships. If they choose to pretend everything is fine even though you know otherwise, choose to live in peace, as much as you are able.

While your control over your family is limited, you can control how you respond to the challenges that arise.

Choose to Forgive

While it takes two to reconcile, it takes only one to forgive. And simply put forgiveness is a choice.

A scientific project conducted by the University of Wisconsin simply called “The Forgiveness Study” concluded that a failure to forgive is a greater predictor of physical health problems than hostility. A similar study conducted by Dr. Fred Luskin, the director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project at Stanford University revealed that those who learn how to forgive experience a significant decrease in the number of physical complaints.

One of the reasons people find it so difficult to forgive is that they have a false misunderstanding of forgiveness. Dr. Don Colbert in his book, Deadly Emotions: Understand the Mind-Body-Spirit Connection that Can Heal or Destroy You, says this:

Forgiveness does not require that a person minimize the validity of his pain, the amount of pain he suffered, or the importance of a painful experience. To forgive does not mean that a person is saying, “This didn’t matter” or “This wasn’t a huge wrong committed against me.” Rather it is saying, “I choose no longer to hold this feeling of unforgiveness toward the person who hurt me.”

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future,” notes Paul Boese.

While forgiveness is a choice, it is also sometimes a process. If you have deep emotional wounds and are unable to work through the forgiveness process on your own, seek the help of a therapist who can help you work through the pain to a place of forgiveness and emotional healing.

There is freedom in forgiveness. Don’t stop working for forgiveness until that freedom is yours.

Practice Good Self-Care

Continue good self-care during the holiday season even if it’s hard to do. Good self-care includes following your doctor’s treatment plan, accepting your limitations, pacing yourself, getting sufficient rest, asking for help from friends and family members, cultivating hobbies and habits that nourish your spirit and your soul, and maintaining a good sense of humor.

If family relationships are overtly hostile and contentious, it may be necessary to avoid certain family members to preserve your health. Difficult? Yes. But it might be what you need to do to preserve your physical and emotional health. By pushing yourself physically and emotionally to meet others’ expectations during the holidays, you set yourself up for a serious health crisis.

Chris Tatevosian, author of Life Interrupted — It’s Not All about Me, points out that conserving your already compromised supply of energy becomes vital, because exceeding your allotted energy does not mean your body just slows down; it completely shuts down.

Is that a price you’re willing to pay for the approval of people who fail to love and respect you?

Think about it.

Draw Healthy Boundaries

Prior to a holiday gathering, determine what boundaries are comfortable for you. Are some family members so toxic that you should avoid seeing them altogether? Are you comfortable spending four hours with family members or two? At what point do you usually hit the wall? Can you handle some family members in a group but not one on one?

Plan to answer these questions before, not during, a family gathering.

When setting boundaries, don’t forget to set financial boundaries, too. Incurring large amounts of debt over the holidays is foolish. Instead of spending more money than you have, set a budget and stick with it. Also, consider contacting family members before the holidays to let them know you’re on a budget. This helps manage expectations and avoid disappointment when you finally sit down together to open gifts.

Talk about It

You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends. After the holidays, debrief with someone who loves you and understands you. If you have a friend who “gets you,” arrange to speak with her by phone within a few days of tour family gathering. You can meet in person to debrief in detail once everyone’s schedule returns to normal. Sometimes, just hearing a friendly voice on the other end of the line puts everything into perspective.

By putting these practical tips to use this holiday season, you can guard your health–and your relationships!

 

Give the Chronically Ill the Gift of Presence

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Experts encourage people to listen and give the “gift of presence” to the chronically ill. Learn what to say and do to help.

For many, the most distressing consequence of chronic illness is social isolation. Friends, once plentiful, suddenly stop calling. Family members, unable to understand your physical and emotional limitations, grow resentful and accuse you of failing to “pull your weight.” Even churches, a supposed refuge for the hurting, tell you they lack sufficient resources to help.

Regardless of how social isolation occurs, the result is that basic needs for intimacy, belonging, and acceptance remain unmet, which often leads to depression, loneliness, and social and cognitive impairments that further exacerbate the isolation.

Unfortunately, the chronically ill have little or no control over their limitations.

The onus rests on friends and family members to take the initiative and begin to meet these unmet needs.

Voices of Chronic Illnesses

  • Elizabeth Burchfield lives with multiple chronic conditions. Myofascial pain disorder and arthritis force her make a lot of concessions in her life. “You get lonely,” she says. “You want so much to see someone else but don’t have the energy to even go to church.”
  • Rennie Ellen Auiler, a cancer survivor who lives with ulcerative colitis and other chronic illnesses, describes the fatigue that comes with chronic illness as completely debilitating. “Not the tiredness that healthy people experience after a long day,” she says, “but the mind-numbing, crawl-into-a-hole-and die kind of fatigue that never goes away.”
  • Judy Gann, who lives with fibromyalgia and other autoimmune system disorders, describes her life as a roller coaster. “I may feel reasonably well one day and be flat in bed the next,” she says.

Symptoms like these make it difficult for the chronically ill to participate in activities others may take for granted. Even simple things like meeting a friend for lunch, going to a movie, or taking a walk in the park can seem daunting to someone living with chronic illness.

Give the Gift of Presence

Rev. Liz Danielsen, Chaplain, and Founder of Spiritual Care Support Ministries, says the best gift we can give to the chronically ill is time. “We need to talk less and be present more,” says Danielsen. And when we do say something, it is critical we say something that helps, not hurts, the chronically ill.

Experts offer these suggestions:

Do say:

  • I’m sorry you’re hurting. Know that I’m here for you.
  • Tell me about your condition. I want to understand how I can help.
  • If you’d rather not talk about it, I understand
  • I admire your courage and strength in handling your illness. You’re an inspiration and encouragement to me.

Don’t say:

  • “I understand.” People experience pain differently. Even if you have the same condition, your experience is different from someone else’s.
  • “But you look so good!” This implies if you were really sick, it would show.
  • “It could be worse.” This invalidates the chronically ill’s experience of pain.
  • “Maybe if you took this vitamin… went to see this doctor…or tried this therapy, you would get well.”

Keep in mind:

  • Chronic conditions and illnesses are unpredictable. The chronically ill may feel fine one day but be in bed the next. Allow for last-minute cancellations and change of plans.
  • Depression and suicide are more common for the chronically ill than the general population. Watch for depression and seek help if needed.
  • The divorce rate is high for the chronically ill. Support the marriage as well as the individual with the chronic condition.
  • Life’s challenges are far from simple and require more than pat answers and pithy platitudes. When in doubt, don’t.

The needs of those who chronically suffer are unique. It takes effort and commitment to support the chronically ill. Because suffering is such an individual experience a good rule of thumb is to talk less and listen more.

“It’s sometimes best to put the books aside and just let them teach you,” says Liz Danielsen.

The truth is the chronically ill have a lot to offer. Their experiences give them insight and sensitivity that others may lack. When you meet someone with a chronic condition or illness, why not ask yourself, “What can I learn from this person’s life?”

You might be surprised.

 

Barn Burning: burn it all up before you burn out

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My dear friend, Trinity Wilbourn lost everything in a house fire while she was at church yesterday. Her fourth baby is due in days and she has nothing left. Despite her tragic circumstances, her heart so inspires me. Here’s a post from her blog, Walking Barefoot in the Sand. This is a leader you’ll see more of in the months and years to come.

“Yesterday we had a house fire and lost almost everything we own including our precious Golden Lab Buddy.  Our family is safe. We have a temporary place to live that is fully furnished. We have “God with skin on” in the overwhelming outpouring of support from our community. And even yesterday as we thought about all of this, I remembered this blog, and wanted to repost it- it seems supremely ironic right now, but also more true than ever…”

Visit Trinity’s blog, to read this post in its entirety.

Spiritual Formation in Life’s Valleys

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Which do you prefer — a mountain top experience or time spent in the valley? No brainer, right?

Yet, it is often the valley experiences of life where true spiritual formation occurs. God reveals truth during wilderness seasons, but it comes at a price. We need to listen for God’s still small voice and prayerfully reflect on the experiences He allows to come our way. That takes time. More time than many of us feel we have.

Six months ago, I suffered a horseback riding accident that left me with three fractured vertebrae. Aside from the obvious pain component, I suffered several secondary losses — I was no longer able to work out, turn sideways, or bend over to pick something up, along with other basic activities of daily living. My self-esteem plummeted and my weight skyrocketed — just what a woman needs, right?

Last month, I had surgery, which, thankfully, eliminated my pain and allowed me more movement in my back.

As I reflected on my experience, I realized I needed time to process it all. So I set aside a few hours to connect with God through the pages of my journal.

I attempted to prayerfully answer these questions:

  • What surfaced in my soul, and what does it reveal about my heart?
  • What sin did God put His finger on that He wants me to confess? 
  • What is the path to freedom in this area of my life?

Although God had dealt with all of the areas that surfaced before, I recognized that God wanted to do a deeper work. My intimacy with Christ had grown, which gave Him room for a greater work of sanctification.

Those things that surfaced during my journaling were these:

  • Several lies I believed about myself since childhood needed to be recognized, uprooted, and replaced with truth
  • A misplaced reliance on appearance for identity and self-worth needed to be replaced an accurate view of who I am, which, of course, has nothing to do with weight or appearance
  • Areas of my life that I had not yet been brought under the Lordship of Jesus Christ. This was not due to deliberate rebellion, but because I didn’t see these areas of my life clearly. I needed the illumination of the Holy Spirit to move toward wholeness and redemption

I walked away from my time of reflection and confession feeling a wonderful sense of freedom and joy.

What about you? Do you need to connect with God to process your valley experiences? What questions do you need to ask yourself? What in your life requires confession and repentance?

When you find yourself in life’s valleys, take time to lean in and listen for God’s word for you. It will transform you.

Necessary Endings–Stepping Stones to Something New

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Endings are a necessary part of life. Despite their inevitability, most of us face endings with a sense of regret, anger, and even fear. Whether personal, job-related, or relationship-oriented, endings are tough. But realize this — to move forward, you sometimes have to give up relationships, businesses, and even dreams to make room for new beginnings.

Recently, I’ve been working through a number of personal and professional endings in my life. As I began to explore this concept in my personal life, I came across a new book, Necessary Endings: The Employees, Business, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up, written by bestselling author Dr. Henry Cloud. While much of his book focuses on endings in the business realm, applying the principles outlined the book can be particularly helpful for the chronically ill.

Dr. Cloud compares endings in our lives to the necessary pruning of a rosebush. He writes:

Growth depends on getting rid of the unwanted or the superfluous. . . Pruning is a process of proactive endings. It turns out that a rosebush, like many other plants, cannot reach its full potential without a very systematic process of pruning. The gardener intentionally and purposefully cuts off branches and buds that fall into any of three categories: 1) Healthy buds or branches that are not the best ones, 2) Sick branches that are not going to get well, and 3) Dead branches that are taking up space needed for the healthy ones to thrive.

Pruning Your Life

In gardening and in life, pruning is essential for reaching your full potential. Without it, you will never realize abundant living, despite your physical or emotional limitations.

As I work with chronic illness clients, I find that limited thinking holds them back more then the limitations imposed by their illness. It is not that my clients cannot achieve their goals, it’s that many of them are reluctant to let go of their pre-illness selves to embrace their post-illness lives and the challenges it brings.

Olivia lives with severe rheumatoid arthritis, a potentially crippling and debilitating disease. When her disease flares or she faces yet another surgery, she grieves her losses. But once the grieving is over, she looks ahead, ready for new challenges and opportunities.

Although traveling remains difficult, she continues to take on a limited number of speaking engagements. Why? Because she loves what she does. And although speaking strains her body, it nourishes her soul. A few weeks before her event, she cuts back on other commitments so she can focus on adding some much-needed physical and emotional margin to her life.

Olivia is smart. She knows she can’t do it all.

Pruning the Good to Make Room for the Best

Neither can you. You have just so much energy and resources to go around. That’s why it’s sometimes necessary to limit and trim even good things from your life so you can experience the best.

Part of my job as a professional coach and communicator entails speaking at corporate, community, and church events.  While I love meeting and connecting with people, I am always somewhat floored by the number of people who contact me after an event. People seek me out not only about coaching but also because they are looking for someone who listens and understands what it’s like to live with chronic illness.

The people who contact me are wonderful people, people I would enjoy getting to know. But because my physical and emotional energy is limited, I decline many professional and personal invitations. I can only do so much before my health and family suffers.

Do people understand? Not always. But I need to honor my limits and guard my health to pursue those things I feel called to do.

Giving up Unhealthy Patterns and Relationships

And what about unhealthy relationships? Do you allow them to sap the life right out you?

You know what I mean — those people who when you see them coming make you want to run the other way. They drain your energy and grate on your last nerve. You feel trapped, overwhelmed, and angry when you’re with them but guilty if you ignore their calls.

A failure to address these types of destructive relationships can lead to more than overload. Unhealthy behaviors and symptoms, such as overeating, mood swings, and exhaustion can sometimes develop when you continue in unhealthy patterns of behavior. It is better to dray healthy boundaries and risk being understood than to take on more than you can handle.

Another unhealthy pattern I see in my life and the lives of others is denial. Larry, who lives with severe Graves disease, tried to meet others’ expectations of him for years despite his body’s persistent protests. Over time, the unreasonable demands he placed on his body led to severe complications and a complete physical break down.

Was it worth it? According to Larry, no.

When you proactively rid ourselves of unhealthy relationships and patterns, you preserve your health and free up physical and emotional energy you could devote to pursuing your passions and exploring new opportunities.

Burying the Dead

For many, including myself, it is easier to remove what is no longer working from our lives, to bury the dead. But emotional attachments can sometimes make it harder that you think.

Isn’t it possible that the project or relationship you’re investing in is just going through a dormant season. How do you know when a venture or relationship is really dead?

Here are some practical examples that might help clarify your thinking.

  •  An entrepreneurial business initiative is off to a great start, but costs are greater than planned and you’ve blown through your savings in the first few months.
  •  The organization at which you volunteer continually demands more of your time and resources. Your health and your marriage are suffering.
  •  With reduced income, you continue to live at the same standard of living as when you earned three times as much.
  •  You struggle with limited mobility and the dream vacation home you purchased at the beach sits empty year-round although you continue to invest in maintenance and upkeep.

In short, when you find that your investment in projects or people diminishes or does damage to you or your loved ones, you need to face the truth. It is not sustainable long-term; its end must come.

However, it is possible to be too close to a situation to see clearly. If you find yourself questioning whether terminating a venture or relationship is the right thing to do, ask a few friends for their input. Sometimes, all it takes to find the strength to move on is for someone else to confirm what you already know to be true.

Endings can be hard, but they don’t have to be. When you accept necessary endings as a normal and healthy part of life, you begin to recognize them for what they truly are — stepping-stones to something new and often something better.

 

Memories of My Adopted Grandma

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I pressed my face through the bars on the stair rails, waiting to catch a glimpse of the elderly woman who lived upstairs, Miss Meirink. We had lived in our new apartment for two weeks now, and each Tuesday, Miss Meirink walked up two flights of steps, carrying her bags of groceries.  Her shoes made an odd scraping sound across the floor. Determined to see the woman who shuffled down the hall each week, I hid in the shadows, peering through the stair rail. As she opened the front door to the apartment building, I saw her—tight gray curls framed her warm and jovial face and her blues eyes sparkled like a lake on a moonlit night.

She looks awfully old to be a Miss.

As if able to hear my thoughts, Miss Meirink turned my way and asked, “What’s your name?”

I answered without hesitation, “Mary.”

She reminded me of Grandma Trudnak, who had died the summer before, leaving a hole in my life the size of Mama Cass. Sometimes I felt as if I would fall right in that hole and never climb out.

“Would you help me carry my groceries upstairs?” she asked.  I nodded. She rested two bulging paper bags on the step in front of her, removed several cans of soup from one, and placed them in her bag. She handed the lighter one to me, and, together, we walked up two flights of stairs to her apartment.

I followed as she turned the key in the look and entered the sparsely furnished apartment. After placing the groceries on dining room table, I turned to go.

“Can you wait one minute?”  Before I could answer, she disappeared into the kitchen and returned with a small paper bag. “This is for you.”

“Thank you, Miss Meirink,” I said.

“Call me, Pauline, dear.”

As the apartment door closed behind me, I peeked inside the bag. Fresh baked chocolate chip cookies! My favorite. How did she know?

That was the beginning of our relationship.

Over the years, she called me up to her apartment many times. I always left with a tiny brown bag, stuffed full with goodies—homemade cookies, a plastic bracelet from the five and dime, or a piece of chocolate fudge.

I don’t recall when I first realized Miss Meirink was God’s gift to me or when I first thought of her as my adopted grandma. I only know that one year, while choosing her birthday card, I purchased one with a basket of flowers on the front that said, “Happy Birthday, Grandma.” Somehow, that made it official. God had given me a kind and loving Grandma, after I lost my own.

As the years passed, Grandma Pauline could no longer shop for herself. Instead, Daddy and I shopped for her. We always tucked a little surprise in her bag—a magazine, a chocolate bar, or a bag of those chewy caramels that she loved—just as she did for me when I was a girl.

Grandma Pauline celebrates her 100th birthday this month, and we’re planning a celebration at Cedar Ridge Nursing Home.

I have some wonderful surprises tucked inside her bag.